In honor of September being Recovery Month, Dickinson Case Manager Tori Barnum opened up about his journey in recovery.
Here is how a campfire changed my entire perspective.
The campfire has always played a huge part in my life. There are so many things about a campfire that I absolutely love. The food, the smell, and the way people become more relaxed and open around a fire. Making s’mores, playing acoustic music on a guitar or a speaker, throwing things into the flames, and watching the colors change. I can sit there forever, staring into it and thinking about life, thinking deep philosophical thoughts, or sometimes just thinking of nothing at all. It is what Happy Gilmore would consider my “Happy Place”.
But the campfire was also a big part of my life as an alcoholic.
When I was drinking, it didn’t seem to matter what good intentions or “plan” I had that night. It didn’t matter what my goals were for that day. Once I started drinking, all of that went out the window after that first drink. So many nights I would watch the sun come up while still sitting at that fire. Usually with a bottle of Jag, some sort of injury, and most likely making half the neighborhood mad by hooting and hollering and playing music way too loud.
One of my biggest fears with choosing sobriety was giving up that campfire. In my mind, I figured there was no way I would ever be able to appreciate sitting by a campfire sober. It just didn’t seem fun to me at all. I assumed it would be as fun as watching paint dry or watching the grass grow. The thought of it seemed miserable and boring. I couldn’t imagine giving up something that I loved so much and that meant so much to me. The campfire was only one of about a million things I didn’t want to give up, but this one was really special.
Eventually, the rest of my life became so complicated and painful that I ended up choosing sobriety anyway. I accepted the fact that I would be giving that up. I accepted that I would never really experience the joy that a campfire brought me…and it broke my heart. But I knew that the way my life was headed, I was going to lose more than just a campfire so I might as well just accept it.
As I started my sobriety journey, there were times when I tried to sit by a campfire, and it wasn’t what it used to be. I didn’t enjoy it. It made me think about things that I had felt like I was missing. It made me feel emotions that I didn’t know how to deal with. And that scared the crap out of me. Sitting there, just with my thoughts? Nope. I did not like it.
But, I didn’t give up. I kept trying. I kept sitting by that fire every once in a while. I can’t tell you exactly when it changed, but eventually it did. Eventually I was able to sit down by that fire and not wish that I was drinking. The feelings I remembered from growing up started coming back. The feelings and experiences that I thought I was giving up for the rest of my life, they were coming back.
They had never belonged to alcohol!
And eventually, I was able to enjoy sitting next to that campfire.
Eventually, I was able to sit down next to a campfire, completely sober, and enjoy the moment even more than I ever had while I was drinking. I could appreciate the people around me. I could listen to their stories instead of being so loud and determined to tell my own. I could remember the conversations the next morning. I could play with the fire, cook marshmallows, make music, and enjoy the night without hurting myself, which in itself was a miracle.
Today, campfires are once again a huge part of my life. The difference is that now I am actually present for them. I experience and appreciate them so much more deeply than I ever did while drinking.
The campfire has become something bigger to me these days. It has become a reminder to me that I do not know what my future holds. I don’t know who I’m going to be or what life will be like in the future. And worrying about things I can’t control is such a waste of time and emotion. I was so certain that I was giving up that campfire forever. I had zero doubt. Yet, I was wrong. I was more wrong than I ever could have imagined.
The same can be said for so many parts of my life. The things I feared about getting sober... The things I was so worried that I was giving up and that I would never see or do again… The things I was so sure I would never experience or enjoy or whatever crazy stories I told myself about my future…I WAS SO WRONG!
And to the person who is reading this and feeling similar things…You are wrong too. All of those fears you are feeling, all those thoughts inside of your head? Those aren’t real. The fear is real but predicting the future is not. Our brains have a really messed up way of trying to protect us from change. You need to fight those thoughts. Ignore those fears that feel so real. And focus on belief. Believe it in your soul that it’s going to be different, and better, and that you’re gonna be ok. Believe that you are worth fighting for. You aren’t a compilation of the mistakes you’ve made. You are someone who has gained enough information with a complicated life, to make better choices today, which can make a future filled with your own beautiful campfires.
You do not know who you will become. But I promise, you will be so happy to meet them.
